| New
York, NY-The stock market tanked on Monday, when
investors realized that war means uncertainty and
killing. It went back up on Tuesday, prompting some
economists to predict a boom. That upswing was tempered
however, by news that the Senate had realized that
war means expense and sacrifice. "We can't
pass a gigundous tax cut," admitted Ohio Republican
Senator George V. Voinovich, "We're broke.
We can only pass a gigantic tax cut. In the face
of a multi-billion dollar war expense, we can only
muster half the denial we normally could."
This
bad news aside, gains on the war front are certain
to foster more speculation, to be followed by
rampant sell-offs every time General Tommy Franks
sneezes.
"It's
the new, new economy," said Goldman Sachs
analyst Colin Fairbanks, "Instead of a bubble,
this war will generate countless little bubblets,
which will rise and pop in a much faster succession.
I would say the stock market is like ginger ale.
Ginger ale that can ruin your pension. It's like
we say at Goldman Sachs, 'Volatility is the new
stability.'"
Individual
tickers had mixed news this week. Defense contractors
did well, as did Halliburton and other wartime
industries. McDonalds took a hit, when its attempt
to capitalize on the war with blood-flavored shakes
didn't generate expected profits. Many blame the
"ARE YOU BLOOOODTHIRSTY YET?" ad campaign.
"Too subtle," complained marketing guru
Sebastian Bunktle.
Secretary
of the Treasury John Snow tried to put the new
new economy into perspective, "You know,
the whole economic upsurge generated by war mobilization
during WWII was more an argument for socialism
than for war. War is a resource draining exercise
in destruction, generating instability not just
in geo-political terms, but economically as well.
But don't worry, I have enough money to ride out
the rough patches and cynically capitalize on
what benefits there are. And of course, our total
lack or fiscal responsibility is something people
in my income bracket can exploit personally. I'd
pity the average working man, of course, if I
ever saw any. Want to get some sushi?"
When
asked how long regular 401K investors could expect
wartime reverberations to generate stock market
volatility, Colin Fairbanks punched a series of
numbers into his calculator, mumbling, "Mmm…
hmmm… ahummm…Ah yes. Forever."
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