Gentlemen, good people of the party, members of the press and those who will be known as miscellaneous, I have come here today to announce my intentions of running for the Vice Presidency under the flag of the great NeoWHIG party.

I look across this great nation and what do I see? Rampant unemployment, a citizenry disenchanted by the political elite, clone soldiers engaged in a galactic war of supremacy and John Tesh walking the streets unmolested. Ladies and Gentlemen, how can this stand? How can we move forward as a nation when the very fabric of our civilization is being torn asunder? The question of where to look for answers looms just as large.

Shall we look to the special interests? They don't care.

Shall we look to the entrenched Washington elite? They can't care.

Perhaps answers lie in the much speculated, but never delivered Full House series finally. As much as Dave Coulier would like to, the Olson twins would never go for it, and can we really trust their opinion?

No my friends, we must a chart a new course. One that goes forward into the future instead of back in time, cause folks, Trek has done it to death. The answer lies in one word, seven letters, three syllables, a bunch of consonants and a few vowels. That answer is the neoWHIG party and the truths for which they stand.

I stand here today seeking the Vice Presidency of that great party. I want to be your Garfunkle, your Oats, Messina or Teller if need be. I seek your nomination, and the approval that is the lifeblood of every second banana.

We know that the party stands for, and her founding principals are well known and much debated. Yet I will not abide to be a yes man to the politics of the "as usual." The ideas that I bring to the table are as varied as the original party platform, and compliment them in many instances. Among my many passions are the following:

1. Line dancing is a "loser yuppie activity" and will be referred to as such in all appropriate literature.

2. Not all children are precious. They are your problem and they are far too often heard instead of merely seen. This must stop.

3. All declarations of "federal disaster zones" shall cease. In the case of areas devastated by flood, fire, hurricane or tornados, you are on your own. This shall fall under the new federal guidelines covered in the pamphlet "Shit Happens and Sometimes it Happens to You."

4. Federal legislation will be introduced to force competing "boy bands" to fight to the death. Only one shall reign supreme at any given time. Never again shall we be forced to endure the concurrent nightmares of nSync and The Backstreet Boys.

5. We must simplify. Several states shall be joined into one. No longer shall we be confused by North Dakota, West Virginia, South Carolina and the such. Soon we shall have the great states of Dakota, Carolina and a once again unified Virginia.

6. It is my opinion that California holds too much sway in election politics, and shall be broken up into two or possibly three individual states. Texas is on my shit list too.

7. The Electoral College will be abolished. Elections in the future will consist of the competing parties digging a hole in a field from sunup to sundown. Whoever digs the deepest hole shall be declared the winner. Ballot issues shall be determined by watermelon eating contests.

8. Death metal bands and their fans shall be rounded up and placed into forced labor camps.

9. This prissy insistence that people not drive and talk on cell phones at the same time shall stop. For the love of God, we are all adults here.

10. It's pronounced "library," and the "r" is not silent.

11. Dodge-ball will be reinstituted as a mandatory part of every school child's physical education curriculum. It builds character and the split second reflexes that modern children sorely lack.

12. Prostitution, gambling, and marijuana shall be legal and taxed beyond the capacity for rational thought.

13. As repayment for America's selfless efforts to bring freedom to the world in the past century, we shall gladly annex Canada as payment in full and break it up into several new states.

My nomination lies in your good hands, and the course we will chart together will lead the way for this great nation for years to come. I stand here but a simple citizen who has never before held or pursued public office. I am the result of a long line of janitors, plant foremen and doughnut makers born and raised in the foothills of Southern Ohio. I am one of the people, and I will gladly accept your nomination.

May God bless the United States of America.

Now lets go have pudding.