Las Vegas -- In a widely praised speech delivered to the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce, Neo-Whig presidential candidate Chest Notgerman today stated that if elected to the presidency he intends to double or triple the so-called "marriage penalty," that is, the increased rate of taxation that married couples pay when they file joint income tax returns.

"Married people are a pain in the ass," said Notgerman. "They're boring and they're a drag on the American economy because they're always taking time off from work to take little Johnny or Susie to the doctor whenever they get a sniffle. America was built on the sweat of dedicated hardworking single persons who were busting their humps while the married people were lollygagging at some PTA meeting or such nonsense. I'm sick to death of lazy-ass unproductive married couples getting all the breaks. And if you're dumb enough to get married in the first place, you deserve to be taxed out the wazoo."

In related news, Jenna and Barbara Bush, the twin daughters of President George W. Bush, today announced that they are supporting the candidacy of Chest Notgerman over that of their father. "Like, we love our Dad," said Jenna Bush. "But Chest just sounds like he's a lot more fun and won't get so upset when we get drunk and puke all over the floor in the Oval Office."