John Kerry

Democrats know they need to play to their strengths. If there's one thing that can beat a Bush, it's a liberal from Massachusetts. It's the Dukakiss of death. Senator Kerry has a slew of advantages. He's a war hero in a time of patriotic fervor, and he commands a language of criticism that takes the battle to W's weakest policy decisions on matters both domestic and foreign. On the negative side, he has no eyes. A grim Northeastern shadow hides his face, with only a stern beak of a nose poking through to the light. But who wants a fun Democrat? Bill Clinton was fun, and what did that get us? Speaking of not fun, there's

Joe Lieberman

When Al Gore made his announcement of non-candidacy, you can bet this guy said, "Praise the Lord." Of course, he says praise the Lord when the diner table he's at has enough packets of Sweet-N-Low. This pompous bore's got more religiosity than Falwell. When the rest of us made the sane decision that the President's pecker was none of our business, he was up on the Senate floor shaking his finger. He's got the Jewish angle, which was novel two years ago. Also, he's a Republican, which might appeal to swing voters. However, swing voters don't like to be confused by side issues such as one's political positions, which brings us to

John Edwards

The North Carolina Senator is more than another pretty face from the South. As his main strategist Gary Pearce points out, "He's also very handsome. Plus, being from the South can really help his demographics." On top of that, he's got a charming smile, and a nice southern accent, which should appeal to those from the South. Having now served a full third of one term in elected office, Edwards has the experience to lead. He is bound to get some attention by taking firm positions, such as the U.S. needing to "show leadership" abroad and "strengthen our economic foundations" domestically. While some complain that he doesn't stand for much, Edwards counters those critics with a twinkle in penetrating eyes and his down-home southern manner. Besides, if you really want positions, there's always

Al Sharpton

His lopsided defeat in a mayoral election has catapulted Sharpton to the national stage. Republicans will no doubt bash Sharpton for "playing the race card," a common tactic analysts call "playing the race card card." It is of course despicable for black candidates to highlight issues of interest to black voters, but Sharpton's got a lot of opinions. He's a scruffy fighter who should make the primaries at least interesting, espouse some honest to goodness liberal views, and give the front-runner someone to crush on the way to the nomination. He's way too politically damaged, however, for having once believed the word of a young girl. Also, you should remember, in case you're living in the sanitized Hollywood/Washington dream world, that the U.S. is really racist and won't elect a black guy until well into the next century. Speaking of hopeless cases, there are

The Two Skulls

Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt, after leading the Democratic parties to commanding minority positions in the Senate and House, now have their eyes set on the White House. Each has his own unique way of looking as if there's no flesh on his head, Daschle with his jaggedly sharp cheekbones, and Gephardt with his eyebrow-less visage. Ironically, their political face is that of a fleshy man, able to bend to any Republican whim, with not a single bone of conviction. They should run as a single candidate. Some would suggest they call themselves Daschardt, but I prefer Gepschle. Their policy as President would be to give the Republicans everything they want and then complain about what a bad idea it was. And speaking of bad ideas, the Democrats could really win with

Trent Lott

It looks as though the Republicans won't have much more use for this poor guy (by poor, I mean rich, evil and fully deserving of his current pain), and the Democrats need to return to some core issues, so why not racism? If Lott ran as a Dixiecrat, he could conflict the Republican base (Bush has been rather weak on the bigotry front) and let's face it, Lott's doing a lot (Yes, an intentional Lott/lot pun! That never gets tired!) to get Democratic voters energized, so he might as well work for the Dems.

Whoever wins the nomination faces an uphill battle. George W. Bush is wildly popular for diverting attention from Afghanistan and Al Queda to a historically questionable confrontation and almost certain preemptive war with Iraq, and for giving the surplus to the hyper-rich during rough economic times. He should be impossible to beat, but politics is tricky. Just ask Al Gore.