Preparing for the 2012 US Election Polls

As surely as the Sun will rise in the great land we call Switzerland, the Neowhigs will have a candidate in the 2012 Presidential Election. If they elected on greatness alone we'd win hands down. Recent candidates Chest Notgerman and Kip Smithy were probably the coolest cats sent forward to run this great country since Taft. Well, apparently you need a little something called voter support.

This next run we plan to hit it even harder. We'll even check to see how we're doing. We will constantly view our progress at USELECTIONPOLLS.COM and see what the voters have to say. The site is an excellent polling aggregate website of national election polls and issues. If it's on the nation's mind you are going to see a well constructed and accurate poll there. It appears to be non-bias and very easy to navigate.

With that in mind, you'd better give us some love in the polls. Another great thing about this site is it will keep a tally of how the Neowhigs are progressing. They are doing a great job giving us Obama's approval ratings as well. Of course no one could have as high of rating as Kip Smithy would have had, but who could.

The polls on US Election Polls are broken down by poll, by candidate, and by state. It's a great reference for anyone looking for information before or after the elections. You can also sign up for emailed poll summaries.

Look for information on Economy polls as well as polls on National Security, Taxes, Foreign Relations, Congress, Social, Global Warming and much more. If you have an opinion on it they are going to report it. It is updated often so it makes a great reference for anyone keep an updated report on US opinions.

The only problem is they have yet to recognize Neowhigs are a legitimate political presence but we are sure that is something to be remedied quickly enough.

Check out their site and be bedazzeled at all the information you can get. Then when it's time to vote... remember Neowhig. We looking forward to 2012

YOU MIGHT BE A POLITICIAN IF:

If you can divulge classified information to the New York Times without fear of government prosecution, you might be a politician.

You might be a politician if you can take a government oath with your fingers crossed.

If you can spend at least five minutes not answering a simple yes or no question, you might be a politician.

You praise the benefits of a public school education but send your own children to private school.

You spend $315M for a job that pays $125K.

You can stand being in the same room with Hillary Clinton.

You can avoid the airport rules you helped write.

You're able to take paid time off to apply for a higher paying job and still keep your old job if you don't get it.

You can say, "My esteemed colleague" or "My friend from Indiana", and be lying through your teeth.

You got your last job by claiming to be a leader and then blame everyone else for your ineffectiveness.

You've never held a real job.

If you can say you support the troops and then withhold equipment they need, you're an asshole.

If you want illegal aliens to have more rights than Americans, you might be a politician.

Your net worth goes from $150K to $28M in six years or less.

You can be a former KKK member and accuse other people of being racist.

Your last name is Kennedy.

Your first $10K investment in the stock market returns $1.8M.

If your job gives you a Christmas break, Easter break, Thanksgiving break, Summer recess, Labor Day recess, Presidents Day recess, Spring break, expense paid trips to exotic places, boxes of little Capitol Hill key chains, an apartment in Washington, D.C, invitation to a different cocktail party every night, free haircuts, a limo driver for your government provided vehicles, and the best health coverage money taxpayer money can buy, you might be a politician.

If you're afraid of what a media outlet may say or think about you, you might be a politician.

If you can get free tickets to any major sporting event and not report them on your income tax, you may be a politician.

If you have a tan and comb over, you might be a politician.

You take delight in criticizing and/or embarrassing the U.S. military.

You can get someone a top paying national security job because they gave you $2M.

You were the last person to be seen with a reported missing woman and still not be a suspect.

You can write a document that the majority of Americans can't understand.

You're in your job because you were the least offensive person available.

You can claim you're busy doing the people's work and yet find time to write a book or two.

You can thank God for helping you write legislation to remove the word 'God' from the 'Pledge of Allegiance'.

You can get a special IRS tax reduction provision for a friend of yours.

You believe Tom Delay's reason for resigning from Congress.

You've never passed a lie detector test.

You were born with '666' tattooed on your scalp.

You have different definitions for politics and bribery.

If you favor illegal immigration but decline to sponsor an immigrant family because you say you can't afford to pay for their health and car insurance, food and housing, and schooling for their kids, you're definitely a politician.

2008 Candidate - Kip Smithy , America 's Next Great Icon

Kip Smithy gained world renown during the 1980s as a philosopher, social theorist, and political activist, celebrated in the media as "Right Dude of the Righteous Left." Author of many books and articles, Smithy won notoriety when he was perceived as both an influence on and fashion defender of the Parachute Pants in the United States and Europe . His theory of a "Frankie Says Relax" society provided critical perspectives on contemporary “Keep on Truckin” societies. Consequently, he became one of the most influential intellectuals in the United States during the 1980s and into the 1990s.

After receiving his Ph.D. in literature in 1995, and following a short career as a crime fighter in Tucson , he returned to Las Vegas in 1998 to study philosophy with Lance Burton, then one of the most influential thinkers on the West Coast. Smithy's first published article in 1999 attempted a synthesis of the philosophical perspectives of phenomenology, existentialism, and Atkins' Diet, a synthesis which decades later would be carried out again by various "existential" and "Homophobic" Vegans, such as Alec Baldwin and Gallagher, as well as American students and intellectuals in the Righteous Left.

In 2001, Smithy joined the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) and then worked in the State Department, becoming the head of the Northwestern Central bureau by the end of 2002. After serving in the U.S. government in the early 2000's, which Smithy always claimed was motivated by a desire to struggle against fascism, he returned to intellectual work and published “Don't Piss off Arab' which attempted an audacious synthesis of the Middle East and sketched the outlines of a non-repressive society. Smithy sketched the outlines of a non-repressive civilization which would involve libidinal and non-alienated labor, play, free and open sexuality, and production of a society and culture which would further freedom and happiness. His vision of liberation anticipated many of the values of the 00's counterculture and helped Smithy to become a major intellectual and political influence during that decade.

Making Las Vegas his home, Smithy has become a boisterous voice, and subconscious conscious of the West Coast population. Kip has been teaching horticulture at the Southern Las Vegas Community College. In 2003 Smithy became an active member of the Neowhig party and help considerably in the 2004 Presidential campaign. After being approached by Bill Doty to run in the 2008 election, Smithy left his appointment with the Henderson transit council and set up office in the Neowhig headquarters. �

Four More Beers: Voters Ecstatic Over Notgerman Mandatory Happy Hour Plan

Sioux City, Iowa - Chanting "four more beers," students at Sioux City Community College gave Neo-Whig Presidential candidate Chest Notgerman a 10-minute standing ovation when he announced that if elected he will make happy hour (4-8pm) mandatory at all bars in America.

"Americans are the hardest working people in the world," said Notgerman. "And they deserve half-price drinks when they get off work for the day."

The Notgerman happy hour plan, entitled "Leave No Bar Behind," has received the enthusiastic support of the AASK, the American Association of Saloon Keepers. "Chest Notgerman is the greatest thing that has ever happened to the adult beverage industry," said Sam "Smitty" Smith, President of AASK. "And we aren't going to quit now. The AASK won't stop until wet t-shirt contests and dwarf-tossing receive the constitutional protection that they so richly deserve."

Notgerman Gives His Support to Refugees in Alaska

(Juneau)-- Chester "Chest" Notgerman, Neo-WHIG presidential candidate, briefly met with Canadian medical refugees at the Strom Thurmond Refugee Camp outside of the Alaskan capital of Juneau. Notgerman gave his full support to the Canadian medical refugees, who have fled to the United States in order to get life-saving medical treatment unavailable in Canada where it can take as long as 5 years just to get an appointment for an appendectomy.

"This is what happens when a country's medical system is taken over by French-speaking communists," said Notgerman to Mrs. Irene MacLeish of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, who has been waiting for 17 years for an emergency reattachment of her right arm which was severed in May of 1986 during a freak potato peeling accident. "Canadians are people, too," Notgerman continued, "Even if they aren't real Americans."

Confident President Bush Contemplates Running for Several Presidencies

Washington D.C.—An ebullient President Bush, buoyed by the capture of Saddam Hussein, as well as economic indicators at home and high polling numbers, is contemplating not just winning the presidency of the United States, but also making a bid to be president of two other countries. Expecting a landslide at home and having a war chest of unprecedented wealth and no rival within his own party, Bush has asked Karl Rove let it be known that the presidencies of Venezuela and Denmark are also in play.

While he has yet to announce an official run in either country, President Bush has been speaking out on topics of importance in both Venezuela and Denmark.

President Bush often suggests that what Venezuela needs is huge tax cuts for its wealthy, greater exploitation of its rain forests, and an outside contractor, say, Halliburton, to take over its oilfields. When asked recently what country in the region is most important to Venezuela, Bush replied, “Syria. I think Venezuela needs to focus on the problem of Syria.”

As for Denmark, Bush prescribes a policy of massive tax cuts for the rich, greater exploitation of whatever it is that Denmark has to exploit and, said Bush, “Does Denmark have any oil? Because I know an outside contractor that could handle that. No? Windmills? Don’t they have some wildlife refuge we could drill in? What about if we drained all those dikes?”

When asked about Danish foreign policy, Bush said, “I think Denland needs to focus on the problem of Syria. Maybe Iran, but probably Syria. I just hope the problems between Denlia and Syria don’t drag the U.S. into any kind of conflict, because we’re peace-loving guys.”

Said one senior White House official, “Look, all the Democratic ducks are lining up behind Dean, and Dean is a man who tells it like it is. So he’s doomed. Of course the U.S. isn’t safer with the capture of Saddam Hussein. The man was living in a hole. What was he going to do, tunnel through the earth to blow up Manhattan? But you don’t go and say that. So Bush has the U.S. pretty well locked up. Now, winning three countries, that would be a coup.

“In the case of Venezuela, it may be a military coup.”

Doctors Reveal Bush Using Corked Vice-president

Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that he was corked. "We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.

Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said Ramala.

President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."

The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed? Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think it taints his presidency."

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet corked?" said Daschle.

A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney was brainless.

Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden on the campaign trail in 2000."

Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked dildo all those years."